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Diary of a Gingerbread House Virgin
Joined: Dec 12, 2005
Posted to Thread #8566 at 12:26 pm on Nov 6, 2007
Today I was asked to bake a gingerbread house for a holiday fundraiser. Never made one before. Sounds like fun.
Someone left a phone message about a gingerbread house?
Paperwork?? Oh look...a gingerbread recipe that gets rock-hard? How interesting.
Got a call from my contact person. Better get moving on this. It's not as easy as I thought to choose a pattern.
Today, in a burst of enthusiasm, I downloaded a scale model pattern of the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris.
I will—of course—use the approved gingerbread recipe.
Sanity has checked back into the facility. Instead of a cathedral, I’ve decided to make a 16” house with a roof covered in white chocolate seashells. Won’t that be pretty!
The cardboard model is finally done! Silly of me to try curving cardboard. I start baking tomorrow. How exciting!
Curses! The rolled-out pieces are too big for my cookie sheets. Back to the drawing board. Well, at least I can keep making the candy seashells. They are so pretty!
I’m in trouble! This morning, I lifted the 14" baked section of roof and it bent! Then I tested the other baked pieces—and they ALL bent. Then several words that are usually washed out by a mouthful of soap came out of my mouth.
This is all wrong! Bending is not part of the Prime Gingerbread Directive. Bending violates the First Law of Gingerbread House Construction, which is to Stay Upright And Not Bend!
I have a contingency plan if this house collapses: fondant “plywood” painted with the words: “A Hurricane Did This!”
I thought if I left it alone, the gingerbread might harden—like they promised!! You can't build a gingerbread house with walls that gently flop down. Soft gingerbread was BAD.
I called my contact person looking for advice. Turns out she wasn't making a house....she was making a gift basket. So I called my contact person's contact person. Turns out she couldn't help me because she wasn't making a house either!
I did, however, find out who my fellow competitors would be:
*the head of the culinary division for a local college
*the head of the culinary division of the local community college.
*a bakery owner for 30 years who also teaches cake decorating at Michael's
oh...and a former winner of the Food Network gingerbread competition.
I’m pretty sure none of them are GBH virgins.
After hanging up the phone and banging my head on the countertop until my eyes watered, I decided to re-bake the gingerbread. And today it's hard! Of course, the roof and wall edges look like flashpoints from an arson scene, but hey! they don't bend.
Called my contact person to confirm that I would definitely be able to deliver a house. That's when she said: "I can't wait to see your theme!"
When I replied that I felt lucky just to have a house that existed in three dimensions, her disappointment was actually palpable through the phone line: “You don’t have a theme?"
Dearest Diary, I didn't have a theme for my gingerbread house entry. I was a monster.
She suggested that I use a Disney or NASCAR theme or just add lots and lots of candy. Then she described a gingerbread entry from last year that displayed Fred Flintstone inside his "stone house" sitting in front of a stone TV... that worked!
"Bending Wall Panic" was immediately replaced with "Lack of Theme Panic" like a vacuum that sucks all the air out of your lungs.
October 12th, 2:30 am
I have a theme. I'm still using the house with a seashell roof, but the yard will be decorated with Bill Watterson's Calvin & Hobbes' “Snowman House of Horrors!”
I’ll give them a theme.
Major breakthrough today! All 17 house pieces are baked and only one roof piece remains a problem. Still making those seashells. Hope it true that Royal Icing holds like cement. I'm going to need it.
Yea! I just gave birth to a 3.4 pound gingerbread roof! I'm off to show...oh crap!!
Well, apparently, Royal Icing does not have the holding capability of cement.
Dear Diary. Although I was wearing an apron over my shirt, I found flour inside my bra. How is that possible?
[Note to Self: Scratch off Hitman as a potential career move. Obviously, I would leave clues behind.]
So I've been wondering....is a gingerbread house technically a gingerbread house if it doesn't have a roof? And really, how important is a roof? Wasn't it Mies van der Rohe who said: "Less is more."?
Roof #2 is thinner, but still bends. I’ve added a Styrofoam wedge underneath Royal icing and beveled pretzel rods to support and carry the weight of those darn seashells shingles.
Maybe I should just tent the entire thing with a large piece of orange fondant and say the building is being treated for termites?
Thinner and lighter Gingerbread Roof #2 collapsed last night, possibly because—although it was thinner and lighter—it still had poor self-image issues and felt heavy and thick.
After I tried spackling the pieces together with wood putty and a blow dryer (why am I not more disturbed by this?), I considered just sucking on a pastry bag filled with Royal Icing until I passed out from insulin shock.
Your Honor, the THIRD new roof will be Foam Core covered with coarse Grade 60 sandpaper to provide traction for the icing because of that G.R.A.V.I.T.Y thingee.
As soon as I finish making these stupid seashells, I’ll cover the darn thing with icing, then slap on the shingles. No support will be visible. Ergo, I conform to the rules. Q.E.D.
Today I used a few non-traditional kitchen tools (a 35,000 rpm Dremel and industrial grade mounting glue) after embracing the whole "structural support is allowed as long as it is not visible" restriction and making it mine.
The house is finally in a x:y:z spatial relationship and sports the “I give up, Gravity. You win” Roof #3. Finished 12 more bloody seashells.
Whose brainless idea was that seashell roof anyway?
Dear Diary. I am finally decorating the house and have found that a sharp X-acto knife cleanly trims the gingerbread.
[Note to self: A-Positive blood is amazingly similar to Very Cherry Red food coloring.]
Remember that "Three Stooges" episode where Curly goes berserk whenever he sees a mouse and the only way the other two stooges can calm him down is to cram cheese in his mouth?
"Moe! Larry! Cheese!"
"Moe! Larry! Cheese!"
That's how I feel now every time I see the word gingerbread.
I. Despise. Seashells.
Started making my “theme” items out of fondant. That darn penguin kept toppling over so I inserted a 1/4” machine bolt in the bottom to counterbalance $#@^@ gravitational pull. Also, I'm pretty sure none of the other competitors are saying: “Does this decapitated snowman head look like it’s screaming?"
The LED lights are melting the chocolate-covered pretzel trim! Ah-OO-GA! Ah-OO-GA! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
October 30th, 11:30 a.m.
BREAKING NEWS!! Reporting LIVE from CNN! Wall collapses at the GBH construction site! Rescue crews used a skewer and grappling hook to pull the pretzel rods back into position. Experts claim the wall will stabilize as more Royal icing is pumped in. Their real concern now is for the owner, who was found huddled in a corner, whimpering.
Great! Just what I need here...hot flashes!! Hopefully the mailman didn't see me icing this thing wearing a bra and apron. Oh, and there's a 70% chance of rain tomorrow. What kind of karmic payback is that??
Poor GBH has lived its entire existence in an air-conditioned, humidity-controlled environment—much like the way Bubble Boy lived—only, you know, this one's covered in Royal icing.
I tried to calm down by taking a peaceful walk on the beach, but started twitching when I saw a shell in the sand.
Dear Diary. Today I finished my first gingerbread house ever. It was fun! It’s also my last gingerbread house. Nurse says they don't allow off-set spatulas here at Happy Valley Farms.
~DISCLAIMER: No animals were harmed in the making of this gingerbread house. The penguin, however, may need to see a proctologist.
Jesus saves. Buddha recycles.
Other messages in this thread:
- 8566. Diary of a Gingerbread House Virgin - MarilynFL - 12:26pm on 11/06/07 (36)
- LOL!!! [NT] - Dawn_MO - 12:35pm on 11/06/07
- Oh Marilyn, what a hoot! [NT] - Sylvia - 1:09pm on 11/06/07
- Love to start my day with a smile! Appreciate that you could find above post re: Shrimp... : ) !! [NT] - barb_b - 1:48pm on 11/06/07
- ROFL! Love it. :o) [NT] - Mimi - 1:55pm on 11/06/07
- Ditto! [NT] - deb-in-MI - 2:22pm on 11/06/07
- Marulyn, I Love You!!! I haven't had such a good, tears rolling down on face, - Misplaced in AZ - 4:04pm on 11/06/07
- Sorry!! Marilyn. [NT] - Misplaced in AZ - 4:06pm on 11/06/07
- Next years theme: Ginger Bread Happy Farms. - desertjean - 4:07pm on 11/06/07
- This is hysterical! You should try to get this published. - Amanda_Illinois - 4:19pm on 11/06/07
- Amanda, I agree. This girl can write and should be writing somewhere!! What talent... [NT] - Barb - 8:05pm on 11/06/07
- I'm a professional writer and editor, so I know whereof I speak. Send it out, Marilyn! [NT] - Amanda_Illinois - 5:50am on 11/09/07
- I don't know how. [NT] - MarilynFL - 1:47pm on 11/09/07
- I've sent you a PM with some pointers on publication. Take a gander... [NT] - Amanda_Illinois - 10:28pm on 11/09/07
- Love it Marilyn! You definitely should submit this for publication! [NT] - GeorgiaRose - 4:35pm on 11/06/07
- I love this and sent it to all my friends- now I 'd like to send them the photo of the completed - CynUpstateNY - 4:52pm on 11/06/07
- Cyn, I uploaded the photos to photobucket. Maybe you can use one of - MarilynFL - 5:15pm on 11/06/07
- LOL - LOL - Queenie - 5:09pm on 11/06/07
- Marilyn--thank you so much for your early morning entertainment! What better - Barbara in VA - 5:38pm on 11/06/07
- You are truly a multi-faceted entertainer! I'd love to see how your brain works. I remember the 3 - Marsha tbay - 6:02pm on 11/06/07
- Brava! So funny, and your little house was just too adorable - Heather_in_SF - 6:21pm on 11/06/07
- GHV - I really needed that laugh today. I have said this before Marilyn, "You are Special, in so - GayR - 7:07pm on 11/06/07
- Thank you Marilyn! I just had a very sad event and sooo needed that uplift. - orchid - 7:29pm on 11/06/07
- LOL!! I always look forward to the chronicles of your adventures - you never disappoint! [NT] - RuthAB - 7:55pm on 11/06/07
- Too funny--the last line is priceless! ;-) [NT] - ErininPrague - 9:19pm on 11/06/07
- Brilliant! [NT] - Shaun in TO - 9:38pm on 11/06/07
- This is the funniest thing I ever read!!When does the book come out? [NT] - Cindy - 9:50pm on 11/06/07
- Marilyn - you are a hoot!! You need to take up writing. - JudyW - 10:27pm on 11/06/07
- And she bakes a mean cookie, too!!! Love you, girl! THANKS AGAIN! : ) - GayleMO - 11:07pm on 11/06/07
- Marilyn, I've been smiling all day. People ask what's so funny and I just can't explain... - Joe - 11:28pm on 11/06/07
- <smile> thanks all! "Breaking News" was just added to it. [NT] - MarilynFL - 1:38pm on 11/07/07
- marilyn - thanks for making me laugh! [NT] - AndreainDC - 4:59pm on 11/07/07
- What an adventure! Thanks so much for sharing. Everyone is right, you should be publishing this. [NT] - Junebug - 5:43pm on 11/07/07
- THANK YOU for your wonderful humor... you brings smiles - and years - of joy :) [NT] - cheezz - 2:23am on 11/08/07